ALLAN REVIEWS HIS BOOKS
Why go to some fancy-schmancy review blog when you can read these totally honest and unbiased reviews of my books that I wrote myself? You can trust me. Have I ever steered you wrong before?
THE REVENGE OF THE WEREPENGUIN
What happens when you cram evil werepenguins, an iron fist, ferocious were-gulls, a fearless pirate, the fate of the world and an English muffin all in the same book? We have no idea, but if you take all of that except the muffin you get The Revenge of the Werepenguin. If The Curse of the Werepenguin was the greatest book ever written about werepenguins (and is is), then The Revenge of the Werepenguin is the greatest sequel ever written about werepenguins. Two beaks up!
THE CURSE OF THE WEREPENGUIN
Sometimes, truth is stranger than fiction. Other times, fiction is stranger than truth. This book is one of those two things. The Curse of the Werepenguin relates the strangely fiction but also truly strange story of a boy who finds himself changing into a werepenguin unless he can break the curse in three days. This book will not only give you goosebumps, but will give your goose human-bumps, if you have a goose. So, whatever you do, do not read this book to a goose! Everyone else would enjoy it, though, including other fowls but most especially penguins. I give this book five stars (out of five), and even more stars if you’re a penguin.
Let’s start with the name of the book, which is perfect, and then let’s go to the author’s name, which is also perfect, as far as author-names go. Then everything gets better from there. Imagine a book that makes you laugh so hard you can’t be near soft drinks, because you’ll spit them out your nose when you laugh. I’m not saying you will spit the soft drink out your nose while drinking the soft drink. That’s obvious. No, I’m saying if you are even within five feet of a glass, soft drink microbes will float into your nostrils and then fly out. Unschooled tells the story of Spirit Week, and two school teams competing for a fantastic reward. But for the reader, merely reading the book is a fantastic reward, as long as you aren’t near soft drinks, as I already mentioned.
When Field Tripped came out the applause from around the world was so loud I had to wear earplugs. Then the earplugs got stuck in my ear canal and I needed a doctor to remove them, which was unpleasant. I can’t imagine a better book than this one, except for maybe a book that came with earplug removers. Field Tripped follows the misadventures of the Liberty Falls Elementary fifth graders while they visit the mysterious and marvelous mansion of famed inventor Edward Minks. Soon pranks, schemes, trap doors and the snowstorm of the century turn the trip from bad to horrible. I recommend you read this hilarious and action-packed book without distractions, so you may want to wear earplugs before you begin as long as you don’t wedge them too deep.
I give this book five stars, out of four stars. This is not only the best book ever written about a teacher who quits, and the students who keep it a secret, but is likely the best book ever written about schools, or teachers, or quitting anything. Woodrow’s hilarious yet insightful story will be enjoyed by anyone who can read. Those who can’t read should find someone to read it to them. Go. Shoo. Find someone.*
*Reviewer’s Note: If you can’t read that review, then you should find someone to read it to you, too.
**Another Reviewer’s Note: if you can’t read the first Reviewer’s Note, you’ll need to find someone to read that to you as well.
THE PET WAR
Woodrow does it again. I’ve been a fan of Woodrow’s work since his book, “The Big Cheese,” which he wrote in third grade. But The Pet War easily beats that book, because there are a lot fewer misspelled words, it’s not written in pencil, and The Big Cheese was only eight pages long. This book is much longer, a good bookish length really, which is nice because every word is perfect except for the last words, The End, because that means there is no more to read. The Pet War is about a brother who wants to adopt a dog, his sister wants to adopt a cat, and if you want to know more then you should buy the book, because I don’t have all day to write plot summaries for you.
THE ROTTEN ADVENTURES OF ZACHARY RUTHLESS
This was Woodrow’s debut book, but his genius was already on display. After reading this book I thought, “How come there aren’t at least one hundred other Zachary Ruthless books?” Some publisher is really missing the boat and should call Woodrow immediately to offer him a big contract for a lot more books. From Woodrow’s miraculous prose to Aaron Blecha’s timeless art, this book puts the OK in BOOK (otherwise you just get a ‘BO’ and that makes no sense). Woodrow’s hilarious tale of the world’s most evil fourth grader is filled with humor and heart and someone’s liver. Hopefully someone will pick that up soon, because it’s hard to walk around without your liver.